My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
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My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.