Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
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Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Seas the day!!!!
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
never ask a starfish for directions
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
BETRAYAL
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
#JohnTravolta
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.