Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
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“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Aight bet
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
What personal space?
My dog
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!