“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
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When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
That’s what I call a flat tire
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.