*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
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Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
😅🤣😂
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.