“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
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One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted