I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
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Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips