Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
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5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
My time has come.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.