During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
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Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.