Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
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me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
boat question
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
August 8
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Plumber: I think I found the problem
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher