Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
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My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time