*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
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[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.