A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
When libraries troll their patrons.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Hmm, not sure about this change
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?