The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I came this close!!!!
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Just got to our Airbnb!
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
saw this in a dream
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball