casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
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WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.