There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
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detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
motivation
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”