If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
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I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?