Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
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(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.