me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
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[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work