Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
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(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Every house has this drawer
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together