Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
this was the best i’ve ever seen