“Sheer Arrogance”
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Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Planet of the Apps.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.