I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
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In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit