Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
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[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
screw you
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.