[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
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ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
If only
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Mad Max: Furry Road
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Botany good plants lately?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard