Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
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Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
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HEYYYY MACARENA
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine