“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
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ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother