Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
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Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
i’m sure it’s fine
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Me: I really need to save money
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