Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
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“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch