Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
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I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”