I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
You Might Also Like
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
me 2 months after i graduated
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.