I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
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I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.