Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
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*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle