My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Stop sending me this shit.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.