Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
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*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”