how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
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i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.