Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
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If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you鈥檙e wondering what it鈥檚 like to be a mom.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Them: We can鈥檛 pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I鈥檝e got my own website. I can expose myself. 鈥ou know what I mean.
don鈥檛 give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There鈥檚 a lovely key change at the end.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Bee hives are like nature’s free pi帽atas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I鈥檝e been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year鈥檚 and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I鈥檓 in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can鈥檛 lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 馃檪
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
VHS tapes used to be like: 鈥淔BI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney鈥檚 Flubber”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 馃拃
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn鈥檛 know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn鈥檛 like science listening.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I鈥檝e stopped. Also, to be fair, they鈥檙e not much more than waistbands now.