Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
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Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?