Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
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The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
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“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
This made me smile…
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.