me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora