Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
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girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks