Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
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Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.