The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
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I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit