Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
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“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat