Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
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When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”