A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
What?!?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.