Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
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wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.