Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
You Might Also Like
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*