[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
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Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.