who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
You Might Also Like
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.